A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".
A Senior Moment
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman).
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSxPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, Requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of YourMoney 1.0 before uninstalling itself.
Goodnight Kiss
One night
a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight,
but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with
his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would
you give me a blow job?"
Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh
come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her:
"No, I can't. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him:
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping."
Her:
"No way. It's just too risky."
Him (horny
as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much."
Her:
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't."
Him:
"Oh yes you can. Please!"
Her:
"No, no. I just can't."
Him:
"I beg you..."
Then, out
of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister leans out
of a window in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need
be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for gods sake tell him to take his
hand off the intercom, we're all trying to sleep."
Unexplainable
A farmer is sat in his local getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says, "Grateful as I am for the business, it’s a beautiful day out there, why aren’t you out there enjoying it?"
The farmer shakes his head, "Some things you just can’t explain."
"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.
"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."
"That’s not so bad," says the barman.
"That’s what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can’t explain."
"So what happenend then?" asks the barman.
"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"
"Some things you just can’t explain, eh?" laughs the barman.
"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"
"So what did you do?" asks the barman.
"Well, I’d run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can’t explain."
Indecent Proposal
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was a married woman. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have you."
The girl refused, so Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband. So she called her husband and told him the story. Her husband said, "Ask him for £200 but pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his trousers down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the husband calls and asked what happened.
"The bastard used £1 coins," the wife replied.
Caught
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued,
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Life's Embarrassing Moment's
Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
* I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few snaps. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and discovered that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Kathy Newman, 46
* I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me, without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31
* My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34
*What happens when you predict snow but don't get any??? A female news anchor, who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
At The Doctors
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Blonde's On The Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
In A Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"